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Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Tuesday October 30, 2012


Next morning, the weather was perfect for our jaunt into Bournemouth and Liz was in her wheelchair waiting for me in the reception area. The staff had dressed her in a blouse and skirt, and had given her a cardigan, just in case. It was lying across her lap. As usual, she was wearing her slippers. She always wore her slippers when she was out of bed, whether we were staying in the building, or going outside, because her feet had swelled and none of her shoes would fit her.

Walking her in the wheelchair wasn’t easy, in fact it could be downright dangerous because it didn’t have brakes, and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy walking into Bournemouth – short distance though it was – because there were some downhill gradients to negotiate. As I planned the route quickly in my head, I realised that some of them were quite steep. The wheelchair did have a parking brake, but that was only usable when the wheelchair was stationary. It couldn’t be used to slow the chair down.

The driveway from the Riseborough to Branksome Wood Road was the first of my challenges. While no more than seventy-five yards or so in length, it was fairly steep and I had to negotiate it like a yacht tacking in the wind. And it was a good thing I happened to be wearing rubber-soled shoes, because one slip and Liz would have been careering off into the traffic. My heart was in my mouth by the time we got to the road. Why on earth didn’t wheelchair manufactures put brakes on the damn things? Surely they knew the dangers.

I waited for a break in the traffic and then crossed to the pavement on the other side on the road. And that was another thing: getting a wheelchair with a heavy occupant up and over a kerb. Still, I couldn’t blame anyone for that. Then there was a downhill gradient of a couple of hundred yards until we turned into the Upper Gardens under the enormous concrete structure of the Wessex Way flyover. There was a short sharp gradient down to the tennis courts, which caused me a moment of panic, and then we were on level ground.

We made our way to the little hut which served as pavilion for the tennis club and café for passers-by, and we sat and watched people playing tennis for a while. The courts were open to the public and some of the players looked as if they had never before held a racquet. Mostly holidaymakers, judging by the way they were dressed. We watched how tennis should not be played for a while, and then wandered off in the direction of the Square.

The Square, as anyone who has ever been to Bournemouth will know, is the centre of the town. It used to be a traffic island, but it had long since been pedestrianised.
The Square was heaving. I negotiated my way through the masses then across the road, first waiting for a couple of buses to pass, and on down the ramp into the Central Gardens. The gradient was sufficiently gradual that I had no difficulty holding the wheelchair back
I stopped at the hut that sold New Forest ice cream and bought two rum and raisin ice cream cones. I looked for somewhere to sit. Most of the bench seats were taken, but there was a space at one of them and I hurried over and grabbed it before someone beat me to it. I parked the wheelchair beside me and we sat there and enjoyed our ice creams. Liz smiled at some of the passers-by. Most of them smiled back.

Next, we headed off in the direction of the beach. It would have been icing on the cake if a band had been playing in the bandstand, but it wasn’t to be. We walked across the bridge over the stream and down by the side of the Pavilion theatre. Seeing the building towering over us reminded me of all the shows Liz and I had enjoyed in there, and I had a moment of sadness when I realised I would never be seeing another show in there with her.

There was an uphill gradient, which left me breathless, as we approached the Pier Approach, then it was a level walk to the rail which overlooked the beach.

There wasn’t so much as a suggestion of a breeze, so the sea was a flat calm. A commercial speedboat was giving people rides off the side of the pier. The beach was packed with people.

We stayed until I noticed Liz’s face turning pink from the sun. She had a fair complexion and burned rather than tanned, and I mentally berated myself for not thinking to bring some sun blocker. I suggested we get back. She pulled a face, but agreed.

Gradients which had been downhill on our way out, were now, of course, uphill and I was exhausted by the time we got back to the Riseborough.

But Liz had enjoyed her outing and that was all that mattered.


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Monday, 29 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Monday October 29, 2012


I was on the point of leaving to go to the care home when the phone rang. It was Alicia, and she was in the mood to talk. And once she got started, she didn’t seem to want to stop.

I didn’t want to be late - Liz expected me at seven, and I was never late – so when Alicia paused for breath, I seized the opportunity to tell her I had to go out. I said I would call her when I got home.

She told me to have a nice evening, whatever I was doing, and would look forward to hearing from me later.

When I got to the Riseborough, Liz was sitting up in bed looking like she had just won the lottery. “Yes,” she said, pointing to herself and smiling happily. She raised her face for a kiss. I knew what she meant. She was feeling better.

“That’s brilliant,” I said, planting a kiss on her lips. “Then if you’re still feeling better tomorrow, why don’t I wheel you into Bournemouth?”

She nodded enthusiastically.

We spent the evening holding hands and watching TV. I’d never particularly liked the soaps, but watching them every evening with Liz meant that I was up to date with the characters, and the plot lines, and I found myself actually enjoying some of them.

I called Alicia when I got home and we talked until midnight.

She lived near Andover, which was about an hour’s drive from Bournemouth, and when I suggested we meet for a drink she suggested a pub by a dual carriageway on the Salisbury side of Andover. I knew the pub she had in mind; I had driven past it on numerous occasions on business trips to the north. This would mean I would be doing most of the driving, but I didn’t mind that; I enjoyed driving. I told her I would wait in my car in the car park until she got there, and then she wouldn’t have to walk into the pub on her own. She thanked me, saying she would appreciate that. We exchanged details of the cars we were driving so we could look out for each other. 


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/booksthepublishersmissedcom

Friday, 26 October 2012

Weekda Blog - Friday October 26, 2012


Two days later I got an email from the customer services team on the dating site informing me that my profile had been approved and was now live. I took a look, and was surprised to see a message from a lady by the name of Alicia. It hadn’t occurred to me that women might contact me. I had expected to have to make the running myself.

Alicia’s profile indicated she was 53, although in her photograph she looked no more than early twenties. She must be using an old photograph. She was blonde, with deep-set blue eyes and an engaging smile. She reminded me of Jean Harlow, the American movie star, in her prime.  Her profile indicated that she was divorced, with two grown children, both of whom had flown the nest, and two grandchildren whom she saw only rarely because they lived abroad. She lived with her tabby cat. She was a non-smoker, and drank only the occasional glass of wine. She said she was looking for a serious relationship with a man aged between 45 and 55: a man she could trust, and rely on. The last line in her profile spoke volumes: ‘If you can’t find what you’re looking for in one woman, don’t bother contacting me because I won’t be interested.

Her message to me read:

‘Hi, I was actually looking for someone younger, but you look younger than your years and I like what you say about yourself. If you are interested, get in touch and tell me something about yourself.

Best wishes,

Alicia’

She seemed to be just the kind of woman I was looking for, and I lost no time in responding.

Hi Alicia,

It’s nice to hear from you.

What can I tell you about myself? Well, I spent my life in international business, which involved me travelling on five continents, and I’ve lived in America and in the Bahamas. I’m retired now.

I enjoy meeting people and I enjoy good conversation. I live near one of Poole’s beautiful beaches and I walk a lot and I play golf. I don’t smoke and I don’t drink.

Your profile indicates that you are not interested in men who can’t find everything they want in one woman. After a long and happy marriage, I can safely say this does not apply to me. It is in my nature to make a full commitment to one woman.

I should be happy to hear more about you.

Best wishes.

Alicia responded. She wrote well. She included her email address and suggested that, rather than keep going through the website I email her direct, and by the middle of the afternoon we were exchanging emails as though we had known each other all our lives. We seemed to be on the same wavelength and she was very easy to communicate with. By the end of the afternoon, we had exchanged home phone and mobile numbers. 


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Now available on Amazon. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Thursday October 25, 2012


When I settled down to write my profile, I rapidly realised that writing something an intelligent woman would find interesting was really rather difficult. But I persevered and a couple of hours later I had come up with the following:

‘Active, healthy, young-at-heart widower - who believes that life was not meant to be lived alone - would like to meet a lady interested in a serious relationship with a view to a life partnership. After a long and happy marriage, I believe I know how a relationship works and how to treat a lady. I am a one-woman man and I enjoy the simple things in life such as a walk on the beach, coffee with friends, and good conversation. I also enjoy visits to the theatre and eating at good restaurants. I play golf, and I take pride in my personal appearance. I am a devoted family man, with 7 grandchildren. I am tee-total, but I have no objection to other people enjoying a drink. The lady I seek will be comfortable within herself. She will take pride in her personal appearance, and she will be articulate and well spoken. Ideally, she will be a widow.’

I sat for a while reading what I had written, then typed it into the box provided. A box popped up saying my profile would be reviewed by the customer services team and that I should hear from them within a couple of days.

Next, I had to come up with a photograph. I didn’t have a recent one available, but in the photo software in my computer I found one I had had taken professionally for a business function about three years earlier. I was wearing a dark blue suit, white shirt and striped tie. I had always liked this picture, and thought it entirely appropriate because I still regarded myself as a businessman, even though I was retired. I transferred it to the site. Most of the profiles I had seen included several photographs, but one step at a time. I could add more if I needed to.

When I got to the Riseborough, I was distressed to see Liz lying on her bed red in the face and sweating profusely. A nurse was wiping her face with a damp cloth. She told me it was a reaction to a new medication the doctor had put Liz on because she had started having seizures again. She said the doctor had said to persevere, and that Liz should feel better when her system got used to the medication. She straightened Liz’s bedclothes and left the room.

I pulled up a chair and sat down by the bed. I took Liz’s hand in mine. It was cold and clammy. Her eyes were glazed. I wasn’t sure she was aware I was there. I didn’t know whether to leave, or stay. I stayed.


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Also available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Wednesday October 24, 2012



When I woke up the morning after my second appointment with Trish, something felt different. I lay there listening to the morning traffic and trying to work out what it was. Then it struck me: the feeling of impending doom had gone. Not only that, I didn’t feel depressed either. I lay there for a while, luxuriating in my newfound freedom. It was a rare feeling of euphoria. When I was up, dressed and breakfasted, I celebrated by calling a friend and arranging a game of golf with him.

Now my mind was clear it was time to get serious about finding myself a partner, so I logged onto the dating site. They had changed the home page since I last logged on. It now displayed a photograph of an attractive young couple with a caption reading: ‘When I saw his profile he seemed too good to be true…and he is!’ REGISTER NOW and take a sneak preview at 3.5 million singles.

I entered my password and clicked on search. A page containing photographs of six women popped up. I didn’t find one of them remotely attractive, but I read their profiles anyway because it would give me some idea what to put in mine. All six were divorced, two of them more than once. I was more interested in finding a widow. Someone who had loved and lost, as I had, or was about to. I clicked on page two. Six more pictures, six more divorcees. And they all seemed to have an axe to grind about men. No thank you! I clicked on page three, and encountered exactly the same thing.

When I clicked on page four, a box popped up informing me that if I wanted to go further I had to take out a subscription. The options open to me were a seven-day trial, thirty days, ninety days, and a year. Thirty days sounded about right, so I clicked on that. I was then asked to enter my credit card details, which I did. A box popped up informing me that my application had been successful, and that the management wished me success in finding the lady of my dreams.

I realised, as I manoeuvred my way round the site, that when I wrote a profile on myself I was going have to indicate whether I was single, widowed, or divorced. This was compulsory. And after a good deal of soul-searching, I decided to tick the widowed box. My rationale for this was that, if I said I was divorced, I would be telling an outright lie. Strictly speaking, of course, it was also telling a lie to say I was widowed, but all things considered I saw this as more of a technicality than an outright lie because I would be widowed soon. And I figured I had sufficient nous to explain the situation when I needed to.


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Also available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

PRESS RELEASE


New Website Proves that Some Literary Gems are Slipping through the Hands of Publishing Houses
booksthepublishersmissed.com Launches an Innovative Publishing Platform Giving Writers New Hope
Media Contact:
For Immediate Release
London, England – Today, even the sharpest of publishing houses can sometimes miss a great book. Now talented yet previously overlooked author Maximillian J. Emmenegge has come up with a solution to promote great writing talent. The author has launched his own unique website www.booksthepublishersmissed.com to promote and support overlooked literary works that rightly deserve their place alongside the other well known titles on our bookshelves.
Emmenegge’s literary platform began to take shape after his 7 novels were rejected by traditional publishing houses. Today, www.booksthepublishersmissed.com serves as a launch pad for writers seeking to market their work online.
Emmenegge’s writing career began in 1992.  After a disastrous business venture in the Bahamas, his wife turned to him and said, “NOW, you have something to write about.” A year later, with a copy of his novel Another Boring Day in Paradise in hand, he began his journey into the world of traditional publishing. Over the years, he received rejection after rejection, but he continued to write. It was when a friend suggested he publish his work online that the concept of www.booksthepublishersmissed.com was born.
He has established a unique way of not only launching literary works into the online realm, but also marketing them to the end-consumer. As well as representing his own works, he is now looking to assist other authors who have been turned down by the traditional publishing industry.
Max Emmenegge is a natural and talented writer and his books have received critical acclaim from readers. His novels, Another Boring Day in Paradise; The Kiplock Affair, Harry, and Will You Tell Her, Or Shall I? (a true story) can be purchased on www.booksthepublishersmissed.com or through popular online retailers including Amazon, Barnes and Noble, iBookstore, Kobo, Copia and Gardners.
For further details on this author, his novels and his new author's platform, visit www.booksthepublishersmissed.com Visitors to the site have the opportunity to read free sample pages of this author's compelling work.
Ends/.....

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Englishman Maximillian Emmenegge spent 25 years of his life in international marketing. This took him to 68 countries. He lived a total of 7 years in the USA, over 2 separate periods, and a year in the Bahamas. He ran his own international business for 10 years before selling it and retiring to Florida. Because of the international nature of his life, his books cross international borders. Other titles by this author include Another Day, Another Dollar; Tycoon, and Just a Moment in Time.

Weekday Blog - Tuesday October 23, 2102


Trish consulted her notes. “Last week, you mentioned you were having feelings of guilt. You’ve obviously come to terms with the guilt you were feeling about looking for another partner, so what else are you feeling guilty about?”

“Not being able to make her better.”

“If the best medical treatment available can’t make her better, and it can’t, how can you be expected to? What else are you feeling guilty about?”

“Not being able to have her at home, which is what I know she wanted.”

“Could you provide the level of care she needs at home?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then why beat yourself up about it?”

“I suppose you’re right,” I said.

“I think that, for your own peace of mind, you should accept that there’s nothing you can do for Liz, above and beyond what you are already doing. Get on with your life. Start thinking about yourself.”

“What about me waking up depressed?”

“I think that for some reason you are harbouring thoughts that you are responsible for Liz’s condition, which you patently are not, and, after what we have uncovered today, I feel your depression will go the same way as your feeling of impending doom.”

“Well,” I said. “Then I think we’ve covered everything. Do you think I will need another appointment?”

“Not if you feel you can manage without one,” Trish said. “Why don’t we leave it that you see how you get on? If you need another appointment, give me a call.”


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Now available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Monday, 22 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Monday October 22, 2012



“I heard him coming up the stairs. He was a big man and his feet sounded like thunder on the stairs. He opened my bedroom door and stood there with the leather belt in his hand. He seemed to fill the room. I was sitting on the bed holding the comic I’d been reading, and he said: ‘This is for what you said to your mother.’ Trish, I was a little boy, for God’s sake. What could I possibly have said to my mother to warrant this?”

“Keep it coming,” Trish said.

“And my father said: ‘This is going to hurt me a lot more than it’s going to hurt you’. And I remember thinking how stupid that was. How could it hurt him more than it was going to hurt me? I understand now what he was saying, of course, but I didn’t then.”

“What did he do?”

“He pulled my pants down, and I remember him looking disgusted because they were wet. He turned me over on the bed and gave me the biggest beating I’d ever had. It was several days before I could sit down properly.”

“So for something you said on a Tuesday morning, you had to wait until the Friday evening to get punished.”

“Yes.”

“I see. Where was your mother while this was going on?”

“She was downstairs.”

“She didn’t try to intervene?”

“Not that I recall. I do recall hearing her crying.”

“Apart from the leather belt, did your father ever punish you in any other way?”

“Only once. He punched me in the face when I was about nineteen.”

“What was that for?”

“I think it had something to do with me telling my parents I was going to marry Liz.”

“Didn’t they approve of her?”

“Yes, they liked her. But she was Roman Catholic.”

“What were you?”

“Church of England. I think what my father objected to was Liz saying she wouldn’t marry me unless I became a Catholic.”

“Is your father still alive?”

“No, he died a few years ago.”

“And when you think of him, what goes through your mind?”

“I don’t think of him,” I said. “Well not very often. And when I do, I don’t harbour particularly good thoughts about him.”

“Well, I think we’ve discovered what’s behind your feeling of impending doom. Liz punished you for Harriett by not letting you see her and the children for four months, and now you feel you’re about to be punished because you’re planning to look for another partner while she’s still alive. And the actions of your father all those years ago had a hand in it as well. And now we’ve exposed this, I think you’ll find your feeling of impending doom becomes a thing of the past.”


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Also available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Friday, 19 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Friday October 19, 2012


“Take your time,” Trish said. “This could be important.”

I got to my feet and paced the room as I dug into the inner recesses of my mind.

“Think back to your childhood,” she said. “Your formative years. Were you blamed for something you didn’t feel you should be blamed for? And were you punished for it?”

That stopped me in my tracks. “Yes,” I said. “Yes to both questions.”

She pointed to the chair I had been sitting in. “Sit down and tell me about it.”

“It must have been in my early teens,” I said, sitting down. “My sister would do something she shouldn’t, and when my father asked who was responsible she would blame me. My father always believed her. It didn’t matter how much I protested my innocence, he always believed her.”

“And did he punish you for it? Whatever it was?”

“Not that I recall. Perhaps a telling off. Don’t do it again, that sort of thing. But I do remember my father using a leather belt on my bare backside on a number of occasions.”

“That sounds a bit severe. Were you in trouble with the police?”

“No, I’ve never, ever, been in trouble with the police. When I’ve looked back on it I having been able to imagine what I could have done to warrant the beatings he gave me. I was a little boy, for heaven’s sake.”

“Did he hurt you?”

“Hell, yes. He wasn’t pussyfooting around.”

“How long did this sort of thing go on?”

“I can’t remember.”

“Do you recall what you did to warrant such punishment?”

“I remember one incident,” I said. My mouth went dry at the thought of it. I took a sip of water. “I remember sitting at the breakfast table with my mother and my sister. I remember being in short trousers, which will give you some idea of how young I was. My father was away. His work took him away. It was a Tuesday. God knows why I should remember it was a Tuesday after all these years, but it was definitely a Tuesday.”

“And what happened on this Tuesday? Try to remember.”

“I remember that my mother had stopped smoking, again. She stopped smoking often, and when she did she got very bad tempered. I must have said something to annoy her because she aimed a slap at me. She missed, but she tore the collar off my shirt. I remember that the look in her eyes scared me.”

“And what happened then?”

“My mother was a master of the long silence and she hardly said a word to me for the rest of the week. Then, when my father came home on the Friday evening, I heard him walk into the house and ask my mother how she was. Then I heard him say: ‘What’s he done now?’ I knew from the tone of his voice I was in trouble. I was so scared I wet my pants.”

I felt my eyes fill up.

“Are all right?” Trish said, eyeing me with concern. “Do you want to stop?”

I shook my head. “Just give me a minute. God, every time I think of it …”

“Try and go on,” Trish urged. “We need to get this out.”

Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/booksthepublishersmissedcom

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Thursday October 18, 2012



When I arrived at the hospice for my second counselling session, Trish asked me how I had been coping since we last met.

“So, so,” I said. “But I have made one decision.”

“And that is?”

“That I’m going to take your advice and start looking for a new partner.”

“Then you are making progress. The last time we met you couldn’t contemplate doing that. Do you know what you’re looking for?”

“Yes, I do. I’m looking for someone I can share my life with.”

“Don’t expect to find a replacement for Liz,” Trish said. “Expecting to find the kind of happiness you’ve had with Liz twice in a lifetime would be expecting too much.”

“I realise that,” I said. “And I’m keeping an open mind.”

“Just before we parted company last time, you mentioned a feeling of impending doom. Why don’t you tell me about it.”

I took a sip of water before I answered. “The best way I can describe it is that it’s like I’m driving into an accident I know is going to happen, but never actually does. It’s just an ongoing threat. I feel it if I wake up in the night, but mostly when I wake up in the morning. It’s very unpleasant.”

“When did you first notice this feeling?”

“I suppose I started to notice it about three months ago, although I have the feeling it’s been hanging around for a lot longer than that. I’d assumed it was Liz being on the verge of dying that caused it, but gut feeling tells me there’s more to it than that.”

“Well let’s try and get to the bottom of it,” Trish said. “Describe what goes through your mind when you get this feeling.”

“It’s hard to put into words, but I’m aware of having the feeling I’ve done something wrong, like I’ve caused the accident …’

“The one that never happens.”

“Yes, that one. Silly, isn’t it?”

“Nothing’s silly, there’s a reason for everything. Go on.”

“I’ve caused the accident, and I’m going to be punished for it.”

“Then it’s not likely to be the fact that Liz is dying that is causing the problem, because you can’t be held responsible for her having brain tumours. When you talk about expecting to be blamed for whatever happens, do you also expect to be punished for what happens?”

“Very definitely. It was my fault, so I should be punishment for it.”

“Are we talking of physical punishment? Or punishment in the form of being deprived of something you hold dear. The love of your mother, for example?”

This was getting heavy, but something was stirring from within and I had the feeling Trish was getting somewhere.


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Wednesday October 17, 2012


“Dad, can we leave it there?” Kristen said. “Can we leave it that you do what you have to do but don’t tell me anything about it until after Mum’s gone.”

“Of course we can,” I said. I gave her a hug.

She got back in her car and I waved her off.

When I went back into the building a nurse handed me an envelope Jerry had left for me. Inside was a slip of paper on which was written the website address of an Internet dating agency.

When I got home I logged onto the site. The first thing that came up was the statement ‘It’s Free To Join’. I was invited to choose a username and password and to submit my email address. I submitted my details and moved to the next section. They evidently catered to all tastes, because this section asked me to indicate whether I was a man seeking a woman, a woman seeking a man, a man seeking a man, or a woman seeking a woman. I clicked on a man seeking a woman.

Next I was asked to give my date of birth, country of origin and postcode. When I had completed these sections, I was invited to start a free search.

In the ‘Start a Search’ box I was asked to indicate how far I was prepared to travel. I clicked on 10 miles. I also had to indicate the age group in which the lady of my choice should fall. I was 63. I clicked on 55 – 65.

It had been a stressful day and I was tired. I decided to call it a day. I closed the lid on my laptop and went to bed.


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Now available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Tuesday October 16, 2012


Kristen was putting out such hostile vibes I thought of leaving in case Liz picked them up.

But Kristen beat me to it. “There you are,” she said. “All done. Now I have to go.” She handed her mother the mirror.

Liz inspected her hair and smiled. “Yes.” She tapped her lips for a kiss.

Kristen kissed her and said she would drop in with the children after school tomorrow. “And don’t fall off the commode again. OK?”

Liz tapped her bruise and pretended to wince. “No.”

I told Kristen I would walk her to her car, ignoring a look which told me she would prefer that I didn’t.

Not a word was spoken until we were in the lift, then Kristen let me have it with both barrels. “How can you even think of seeing another woman while Mum’s alive? She dotes on you. Surely you can see that.”

“Let’s wait till we get outside, Chrissie,” I said.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Kristen snapped.

We rode to the ground floor in silence.

When we stepped out of the lift Kristen set off down the corridor at such a pace I couldn’t keep up with her. By breaking into a run when I left the building I was able to catch her up as she was getting into her car.

She sat glaring at me.

I held the door so she couldn’t close it. “Chrissie, we can’t go on like this,” I said. “It’s not fair on you, it’s not fair on me, and it’s certainly not fair on your mother. She knew something was wrong, and she has more than enough to contend with without worrying about you and I having a problem.”

Kristen stared through the windscreen. “You do know that if Mum ever found out you were seeing another woman, it would kill her.”

“I’ll make sure she never finds out,” I said.

“Don’t you have any feeling of guilt about what you’re planning to do?”

“Let me tell you something about guilt and me, Chrissie,” I said, bending down so our eyes were at the same level. “I feel guilty that I’m well while she’s dying; I feel guilty about worrying about whether I can to afford to keep her in this nursing home; I feel guilty about not being able to afford to care for her at home so she can see out her days at home rather than here, and, yes, I feel guilty – as guilty as hell - that I’m about to start thinking of myself for once.

“Then why do it?”

“Because I need to feel I matter.”

“But of course you matter. You matter to me, you matter to the children, you matter to Greg and Caroline, and you certainly matter to Mum.”

“Chrissie,” I said, “I’ve never told anyone this, and maybe I shouldn’t be telling you now, but I’ve been close to suicide on a number of occasions recently, and I need someone. I feel terribly alone.”

Kristen looked shocked. She climbed out of her car and threw her arms round me. “Dad, promise me you’ll never do anything silly. It’s bad enough I’m losing my mother. If I lost you as well, I don’t know what I would do.”


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Now available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Monday, 15 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Monday October 15, 2012


I reached for a biscuit. “How is she apart from her fall?”

“Hanging in there,” Jerry said. “She’s a tough lady.”

“Do you have any idea how much time she has left?”

“Hard to say. These things can drag on.” He took a sip of his coffee.

“Jerry, can I ask you a question, man-to-man?”

“Sure, fire away.”

“If you had been deprived of shall we say female company for as long as I have, would you wait for your wife to die before you did something about it?”

Jerry’s reply was unequivocal: “If I were in your position, I would have found myself female company long since. You have a life to lead as well. I’m surprised you haven’t.”

“This might seem like a naive question, Jerry, but how do you go about finding female company? I’m certainly not going to start frequenting bars and nightclubs.”

“That’s easy,” Jerry said. “You use the internet.”

“Does it work?”

“From what I hear it’s the best way to do it.”

“How would I go about it?”

“I’ve got a friend who’s Internet dating. I’ll get the address of the website he’s using.”
He got to his feet. “I have to go. I have things to do.”

I had another biscuit, finished my coffee and took the lift to the third floor. The door to Liz’s room was closed, which usually meant there was a member of the nursing staff, or her doctor, in there with her. I knocked before entering. The curtains were drawn and the room was in semi-darkness. Liz was in bed facing away from me. She was sleeping peacefully. I didn’t want to disturb her, so I crept out and went home.

When I went back that evening, Liz was sitting up in bed so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed that a casual observer could have been excused for thinking there was nothing wrong with her.

Kristen was with her. She was brushing her mother’s hair.

Liz’s eyes lit up when she saw me. “Yes,” she said, raising her face to be kissed.

“Hi, sweetheart.” I bent down and kissed her. “You were asleep when I came this morning. Hello, Chrissie.”

“Hello,” Kristen said coolly. She pulled away when I tried to peck her on the cheek.

Liz noticed. She looked at Kristen, then at me. “Yes?” she said, puzzled.

“Yes what?” I said, hoping she wouldn’t pursue it further.

Liz pointed at me, then at Kristen. “Yes?”

I shook my head. “No, there’s no problem. Is there, Chrissie?”

Kristen continued brushing her mother’s hair. “No, there’s no problem.” She wouldn’t look at me.

I needed to lighten the atmosphere. “So where’s this enormous bump I’ve been hearing about?” I said. “Falling off your commode indeed.”

Liz pointed to a hand-mirror lying on the foot of the bed. “Yes.”

I picked it up and handed it to her.

She peered into the mirror and tapped a large bruise on her left temple. “Yes.” The bruise was the size of a small egg. She seemed unconcerned by it.

“You’ll live,” I said, trying to keep the atmosphere light. “It’ll take more than a little bruise to put you down.”

Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Available on Amazon Kindle. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Saturday, 13 October 2012

Saturday October 13, 2012

Hi everyone,

I am delighted to advise that my books as now available in ebook format on the online book stores of Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iBookstore, Kobo and Gardners. And they will soon also be available on Sony, Baker & Taylor and Copia.

Meantime, I am rewriting one of my other novels (and enjoying every minute of it). It was entitled Rising From The Ashes but I'm not happy with this title. I'll wait until I've finished rewriting it before I decide what to call it. Something will jump off a page along the way.

Enjoy your weekend. Looks like we might get some decent weather this weekend, and, after the weather we've been having, we deserve it. Golf for me tomorrow, if the course isn't flooded. There were only twelve holes open last weekend.

See you back here on Monday.

Best,

Max

Friday, 12 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Friday October 12, 2012


I liked Jerry. I had liked him from the outset, and not just because we both played golf.  It was more to do with the way he looked after Liz. He gave her an extra spoonful of oral morphine whenever he thought she needed it. And, invariably, he would then give her a conspiratorial wink as if to say we’d better not tell anyone about it. This would amuse her. He went the extra mile to make her comfortable and he gained gold star brownie points from me for this. Jerry wore a starched white jacket with a fashionable half-belt in the back, and short sleeves. He was a good-looking man with black hair, blue eyes and Popeye-like forearms. He was very popular with the ladies, although he didn’t seem to notice.

The nursing station, which also served as Jerry’s office, was on the ground floor close to the lifts. It was a small glass-fronted room, which Jerry referred to as his goldfish bowl.

When I arrived for my morning visit, Jerry was at his desk looking through some prescription forms. He told me Liz was asleep and suggested we have coffee in the Red lounge. He said for me to go up there and he would arrange coffee and bring it up.

I preferred the Red lounge to the other lounges. It was rarely busy, so it was ideal for a quiet chat. It was a square room of perhaps thirty feet by thirty. It was a high-ceilinged room with brass chandeliers and ornamental ceiling roses. There were double doors at each end to allow for wheelchair access. A window at one end of the room overlooked the gardens and the golf course. A window at the other end overlooked the car park at the front of the building. The windows were leaded, and the curtains were made of luxurious red and gold brocade, complete with swags and tails. 

I had the room to myself. I sat at a table with two high-backed armchairs by the window overlooking the golf course. On the course, four men stood on the eighteenth green. One was holding the flag; one was bent over his ball preparing to putt. At varying distances behind them four more men waited for the green to clear before playing their shots.

Jerry walked in with a bone china coffee service and a plate of mixed biscuits on a tray. He put the tray on the table and stood by the window to watch the golfers. He looked down at me and asked if I had been playing much.

I picked up the coffee pot and started to pour. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “I haven’t felt much like it recently.”

“You should play,” he said. “You would be with people. You spend far too much time on your own.” He sat down and added a splash of milk to the coffee I had poured for him.

“I know,” I said, “but I don’t have the enthusiasm. I don’t seem to have the enthusiasm for anything at the moment.”

“Hardly surprising, considering what you’re going through.”

“I know. By the way, I’ve just started having counselling.”

“I’m glad to hear it. It’ll probably do you a power of good. I wanted to talk to you about what happened this morning. Liz was using the commode and we think she had a seizure. She’s been fine on the commode up to now, and that’s why the nurse thought it would be safe to leave her for a few moments while she went to check on the patient in the next room. But when she got back Liz was lying on the bathroom floor. We think she’d banged her head on the wall. I can’t tell you how sorry we are about this. It will never happen again.”

“Forget it, Jerry,” I said. “It was an accident, and accidents happen. No one’s blaming you, or your staff.”

“All the same, we’ll be a lot more vigilant from now on.”


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Now an Amazon Kindle book. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Thursday, 11 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Thursday Octobre 11, 2012



I woke the morning after my conversation with Kristen feeling tired and out-of-sorts. I had been up three times in the night worrying about whether I had damaged my relationship with her. I knew that what I was planning to do must be distressing her terribly, but I had a life to lead too. I switched on my bedside lamp and looked at my alarm clock. It was 6:13 a.m. I had had less than three hours sleep.

Darkness had started to bother me. It seemed to accentuate and exaggerate my worries and fears, but it wasn’t only the darkness – or the damage I might have done to my relationship with Kristen – that was bothering me, it was also my feeling of impending doom. It was hanging over me like a shroud. I had initially put it down to Liz’s forthcoming demise, but I had recently begun to think it might  not be that simple. 

Without warning, depression hit me. It was like I had fallen into a deep dark pit. Sometimes, it would wash over me in waves, like waves on a seashore, but not this time. This time it was heavy duty. My mind turned to the pills in the nightstand beside me. I brushed the thought aside, as I had so many times before recently. Too many people were relying on me. 

I got out of bed to make myself some more tea. It would be coming out of my ears soon. My bedclothes looked like a herd of elephants had trampled through them. In the kitchen, I switched on the kettle, and the radio. Music and voices helped. They made me feel less alone.

I opened the blinds in my living room and a seagull drifted past, startling me. There was a pile of grey and white feathers on the lawn. A fox must have eaten a wood pigeon in the night. There were plenty of foxes around, and even more wood pigeons. Now there was one less wood pigeon.

I made my tea and carried it through into the lounge. As I sipped it, I thought of what to do during the day. I thought I’d go down to the beach after I’d seen Liz. There were always people on the beach. I didn’t feel as lonely when there were people around, even if I wasn’t actually talking to them.

On a whim, I phoned the care home. I was horrified to hear that Liz had fallen off her commode and banged her head. Jerry, the charge nurse, said they had thought of calling me but it had happened in the early hours and they hadn’t wanted to disturb me, especially as Liz was taking it all in good part. Jerry said she would probably have a lump the size of on egg on her forehead but that she was sitting up in bed having a cup of tea, and seemed a lot less concerned about it than the nursing staff.

Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Now an Amazon Kindle book. www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissed.com

Wednesday, 10 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Wednesday October 10, 2102


“You look nice,” I said, letting Kristen in.

Kristen worked as a medical secretary and she was dressed in her work clothes: white blouse, black skirt and sensible heels. She was twenty-eight, slim, around five-five with dark brown hair. Her eyes were the shape of her mother’s, but the colour of mine - brown.

“What are you up to?” she said, eyeing me suspiciously. “You don’t usually comment on how I look.”

“I just thought you looked nice, that’s all.”

She followed me into my living room.

“Coffee?” I said.

“That would be nice.”

I walked into the kitchen and set about making coffee. “Family well?” I called.

“They’re fine. Did you see Mum this morning?”

“Yes, I did.”

“How was she?”

“Not well enough to get out of bed.”

“She’s getting worse, isn’t she?”

“I’m afraid she is.”

“So the family’s fine,” I said, carrying the coffee into the lounge and handing her a mug.

She looked at me curiously. “They’re as well as they were when you asked me how they were five minutes ago. What’s going on, Dad? What are you so nervous about?”

“I have something to tell you,” I said, as she took a sip of her coffee. “Something the counsellor said.” I hesitated. I wasn’t sure how to put it.

She put her coffee on a coaster on the coffee table. “So what did she say?”

I started to tell her what I had told Trish.

When she got the gist of what I was rather clumsily trying to tell her, she looked at me in alarm. “I’m not sure I want to hear this.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m not going into detail.”

“And what did she say?”

I told her what Trish had said about it being all right for me to start looking for happiness again.

Her jaw dropped. “She said WHAT! You can’t do that. That would be cheating on her.”

“Chrissie let me explain.”

Kristen got to her feet. “I’m off. I’m not listening to this.”

I jumped to my feet and grabbed her arm. “Chrissie, please. Let me explain.”

She paused, glaring at me. “It's disgusting, Dad?”

“Chrissie, she could be around for some time yet. I’ve waited for years already.”

I had never seen her so angry. “If it’s sex you’re after why don’t you just pay someone?”

It was my turn to be angry. I resented her talking to me like this. “Chrissie, I’ve never paid for sex in my life, and I’m not about to start now. You’re only considering your mother. I deserve some consideration too.”

Kristen’s face softened. “Can’t you just wait until she’s gone, Dad?”

“Chrissie, they thought she was dying when they took her into the hospice, but she rallied. And she could rally again.”

“Have you asked Greg and Caroline what they think?”

“Yes, I have. And they said to do what I had to do.”

Kristen’s eyes flashed. “Well I think you should wait.” She looked at her watch. “I have to go. I have some shopping to do before I pick the kids up.”


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Available on www.amazon.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissed.com

Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Extra Special Blog

I'm breaking my usual pattern of one blog per day, because I feel like a dog with two tails today and I want to share my joy with you.

Four of my books are now on Amazon Kindle. YEAH!

They will also be on seven other online books stores soon, but just seeing them on Amazon after almost twenty years of trying to get published has given me a sense of euphoria the like of which I have not experienced in years.

You can find them on the Amazon site by typing in Maximillian Emmenegge.

Thank you for sharing my joy.

Best wishes to you all,

Max

p.s. If I were a drinking man I'd be breaking out the bubbly tonight. I can't get too excited on Schweppes Tonic Water, my usual tipple.

Weekday Blog - Tuesday October 9, 2012



I was between a rock and a hard place. Despite what Trish had said about there being no reason for me to feel guilty about looking for female company, how could I not feel guilty? How would I live with my conscience, knowing I would be breaking my promise that I would never let it happen again? And if I did go ahead, as sure as eggs were eggs Liz would know. She knew me as well as I knew myself. Possibly better. All it would take was a fraction less eye contact than usual, a subtle shift in my body language, or a miniscule change in my speech.

Trish could be right in saying Liz would probably tell me to go ahead if she knew I had a problem, but equally she could be wrong. She was, after all, just expressing an opinion. If only I knew how long Liz would live. If I knew, I would probably find the strength to hang on. But nobody knew. The problem was, how long was I expected to wait? I had held off doing something about it for years already.

I had two sleepless nights stewing over it and decided to have a word with the family. It they said they thought it was okay for me to go ahead, I would go ahead. And if they thought I should wait? Well, I would cross that bridge when I came to it.

I suspected that Caroline and Greg would be all right with it, and when I phoned them and explained I turned out to be right. They both told me to do what I had to do. I didn’t think, however, that Kristen would see it that way. I would need to handle it very carefully with her. She saw her mother every day, and a phone call was not the way to put it to her. I called her and said there was something I needed to talk to her about.

“Is it something we could discuss over the phone?” she said. “I’m a bit tied up at the moment.”

“Not really,” I said. “And it is quite important.”

“I could come over before I pick the children up from school? About two o’clock?”

“That would be fine. I’ll see you then.”

“There’s nothing’s wrong is there? I mean, Mum’s OK? Well, you know what I mean.”

“No, nothing’s wrong.”

“How did you get on with your counselling session?”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”


An extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-tear terminal illness of my wife. Available on www.booksthepublishersmissed.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Monday, 8 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Monday October 8, 2012


Trish put her pad and pencil on the coffee table and sat back in her chair. “Right, let me think about this.” I could almost hear her brain working. “Let me put it to you this way: would you have a problem if the situations were reversed and you were the one who was sick and Liz was frustrated and desperately unhappy and wanted to start looking for happiness again? And she had looked after you for all the years you’ve looked after her?”

To me this was a no-brainer. “No, I wouldn’t. If she had done for me what I’ve done for her, I would actively encourage it. I’d probably want her to be discreet about it. I don’t think I would want to know what was going on. But I would think that after all this time she had suffered enough.”

“And don’t you think that if Liz was aware of your situation she might tell you exactly the same thing? You’ve put a huge chunk of your life into looking after her, and she knows that.”

“But I made a promise to her.”

“Yes, but things change. The circumstances are different now. You’ve done nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to feel guilty about.”

“I’d feel as guilty as hell. How could I look her in the eye if I was seeing another woman?”

“Guilt is in the mind, John. You’re an intelligent man, and you’d work out how to handle that. I think it’s time you started thinking of yourself. Time you started looking for happiness again. And I think most sane people would agree with me. I say go for it.”

Before I had a chance to respond, Trish checked her watch. “Sorry,” she said, “we’re going to have to wrap it up for today. I have another appointment.” She got to her feet and got a desk diary from the bureau. She opened it up. “How about next week, same day, same time?”

I had no need to consult a diary. I didn’t even possess one. All I had booked for the foreseeable future was two visits a day to the care home. “Next week is fine,” I said, getting to my feet. I shook her hand. “Thank you, Trish. Thank you very much.”

“My pleasure. And don’t forget, John, you have nothing to feel guilty about.”


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Available on www.booksthepublishersmissed.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Friday, 5 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Friday October 5, 2012



“How many children did you have at the time?” Trish, my counsellor, asked.

“Two. Greg and Caroline.”

“What happened then?”

“A week or so later, and despite the best efforts of both sets of parents, and mine of course, Liz said she was leaving me. It was weird, because she said she would leave at the end of the week and we made love every night that week as if we were on honeymoon. I found it very confusing. Before she left, we talked about what to do about the house and we agreed that since it didn’t look likely there would ever be a reconciliation, I should put the house on the market. She went to live with her parents, and I went to live with mine. From then on, I didn’t see her or the children for four months.”

“Did you make contact with Harriett?”

“Yes, I did. I was being punished for something I hadn’t done, so why not?”

“Did you meet her again?”

“Yes, she came to England for a week. We stayed in the Lake District together.”

“And did anything happen while she was in England?”

“No, she insisted on having her own room.”

“Did she still want to marry you?”

“She said she did. She even asked me to go to Finland to meet her parents. And they were very nice people. They owned a farm near Helsinki.”

“Did anything happen while you were in Finland?”

“Not beyond kissing and cuddling.”

“Why not?”

“You’d have to ask her. She made the running.”

“How did you get back with Liz?”

“That was a long hard battle. I soon began to realise it was Liz I loved and I was missing her and the children terribly. But when I called her parents' house to try and speak to her she refused to come to the phone. Finally, my father had a word with her father and he persuaded her to see me. I went to her parents’ house and the meeting was an absolute disaster. She didn’t want anything to do with me. Her brother threatened me with a baseball bat. I think he would have hit me with it if his father hadn’t stopped him. He still hasn’t forgiven me. I doubt he ever will.”

“How did you persuade her to come back?”

“I had to court her all over again. It took a year, and it was probably the most difficult year of my life. She was like a complete stranger.”

“You’d hurt her.”

“I know.”

“How was it when you started living together again.”

“It was awful. For a while, I was convinced I’d made a mistake. She didn’t trust me. And even up to her getting sick in Florida ten years ago, she’s shown a tendency to be jealous, almost insanely so at times. And there’s never been anything for her to be jealous about.”

“So the reason you haven’t looked for female company is because of what happened back then.”

“Yes, it is. I made her a promise and I’ve stuck to it. And I certainly couldn’t contemplate breaking my promise with her in her condition.”

“So you’re left with the problem of being desperately short of affection and not knowing what you can do about it.”

“That’s the long and short of it. It’s been driving me nuts trying to figure out what to do.”

“Have you ever thought of seeing a prostitute?”

“No thank you,” I said. “I’ve never paid for sex, and I don’t propose to start now.”


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Available on www.booksthepublishersmissed.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Weekday Blog - Thursday October 4, 2012


“You’re starved of  … shall we call it affection, aren’t you?” Trish, my counsellor, said.

She had hit the nail squarely on the head. “Big time,” I said.

“How long has this been a problem?”

“Probably two or three years.”

“And you’ve done nothing about it?”

“I won’t say I haven’t been tempted, but no, I’ve done nothing about it.”

“Do you mind my asking how long it is since you and Liz made love.”

“Seven years, give or take.”

“Why so long?”

“Because I always felt I would be abusing her.”

“Because of her condition?”

“Yes.”

“Did you ever ask her if she wanted to make love?”

“I can’t remember. There are a lot of things I can’t remember.”

“It’s because you’re blanking them out. It’s commendable you’ve done nothing about it, and it’s also quite surprising. A lot of men finding themselves in your situation would have strayed by now. Probably long since, in fact. Is there some reason why you haven’t?”

There was no point holding back now we had come this far. “Yes, there is,” I said. “It goes back to something that happened when Liz and I were twenty nine. I met someone in Finland on a business trip. It resulted in Liz leaving me and my not seeing her and the children for four months. Why I've done nothing about it stems from a promise I made her at the time.”

“How long had you and Liz been married?”

“Seven years.”

“What happened?”

“I had only recently joined the company and as part of my training they sent me to Finland to visit the pulp mills we were agents for in the UK. The guys in Helsinki took me to a nightclub on the second night I was there, and I met this woman. She was a Swedish-speaking Finn. She was tall, blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful. Her name was Harriett, and I had several dances with her. The next day my colleagues took me off to visit the mills and we were gone for the rest of the week. When we got back to Helsinki on the Friday evening they took me out again because it was my last night, and Harriett was there again.”

“And you danced with her again.”

“Yes, several times. The problem began when I jokingly asked her if she was coming back to England with me and she said only as your wife. It frankly blew my mind. I went home the next day and couldn’t get her out of my mind.”

“Did you sleep with her?”

“No.”

“Did you want to?”

“I didn’t sleep with her. Okay?”

“What happened next?”

“I’d been home about a week when Liz asked me what was wrong, and like a fool I told her I had met someone.”

“Why did you do that when nothing happened?”

“I’ve asked myself that question until I’m blue in the face. I don’t know why I told her. It was a stupid thing to do.”

“What happened then?”

“The first thing that happened is she went through my wardrobe with a pair of scissors. It’s a good thing I caught her at it, otherwise she would have ruined everything in the wardrobe. As it was she’d gone through my ties, several of my shirts and three of my suits. And that was just the beginning. I was at the office a few days later and my secretary told me that Liz had just called and asked that I go home. When I got home, my parents, and Liz’s parents, were waiting for me. Liz had called them in. She had told them I was having an affair with a woman in Finland. My mother went ballistic.”

“Did you admit you had met someone?”

“Yes, I wasn’t going to lie to them.”

“Did you tell them nothing happened, and that you weren’t having an affair?”

“Yes, I did. And my parents told me later that they believed me. But Liz was having none of it. My father said later he thought she was playing the tragic heroine.”

“What happened then?”

“Had you made contact with Harriett since you got back to England?”

“No, I hadn’t.”

“Did you have her phone number?”

“Yes, I had her phone number.”

“Why hadn’t you thrown it away?”

I didn’t answer.

“You wanted to see her again, didn’t you?”


Extract from my book WILL YOU TELL HER, OR SHALL I? A true story. My story. The story of how I lived with the ten-year terminal illness of my wife. Available on www.booksthepublishersmissed.com

Twitter: Maximillian19
FB: facebook.com/Booksthepublishersmissedcom